Dear unknown man who is thinking about taking out a single
mom,
The following do’s and don’ts have been personally
experienced. You might find them helpful. You might find them offensive. I’m
just one single mom out there who chose to write about the things she liked
and didn’t like on her first dates. Of course, most of this won’t be an issue
if a relationship develops, but as for a first
date…
1.
DO offer to pay for her sitter. Before you drop
your jaw in disgust, I do fully understand that this might be deemed super high
maintenance. Here’s the thing: She has said, “yes” to going out with you which
means she likes you enough to work all day, come home, stay off the couch, get
dressed up, wear make up past 7:30 pm and then pay someone to come keep her
kids in order to spend time with you. Way to go dude! Count this as a major
win! It takes a really great guy for me to do all of that. Now, concerning the
babysitting, this will most likely cost around $30 - $40 for the evening. The
going rate these days is $10 an hour. Most guys don’t think about offering to
pay for this, which is completely fine, as this is not at all their
responsibility. BUT! Several years ago, I had a man offer to pay for my sitter (the
only guy to ever do so) and it took me so incredibly off guard…in the most
wonderful way you could ever imagine. Your date might politely decline, (I did)
but nothing screams, “I’ll take care of you AND your family” like footing the
bill for the sitter on your date. This will show her you are thinking about all
aspects of the evening, including making this night as easy on her as possible.
For her, this will go far beyond the normal thoughtfulness. She’ll be
impressed, yes, but also she will feel very, very cared for.
2.
DO stand up any time she leaves or returns to
the table. I teach at a private Christian school and it is a policy at our
campus for a class to stand when a visitor enters the room. Last month I had to
walk into a class of seniors and they all stood as I walked in. Oh my word. I
felt like I had just stepped off Air Force One, and was being saluted by dozens
of marines. I think I actually bowed involuntarily because of the feeling of humility
that came over me. If your date is
indeed a single mom, there has most likely been a man in her past that wasn’t
super respectful to her, so while she probably already has you on a small pedestal
simply from your normal way of treating her, going above that norm would be a
true luxury. Stand up when she leaves and stand up when she returns. She’ll highly
respect you for it.
3.
DO make sure to ask a few questions about her
kid/kids. (As if #1 wasn’t high maintenance enough, I’m going to throw this in
there too: DON’t ask too few questions,
she will assume you don’t care. DON’T ask too many questions, she’ll be weirded
out by your abnormal interest. I would suggest 3-4 questions and then move on.)
These are the little beings that she prays for every day. She has stayed up
countless hours with them on sick nights, nights with bad dreams, and nights with awful bathroom
accidents. She thinks about them with every decision she makes: vacations,
budgeting, which house to buy, what schools to attend, her work hours,
what food to purchase, everything. They changed every perspective she had when they were born. They
are a massive piece of her life. She’ll thank
you for asking about them.
4.
DO always, always, always pay for dinner. No
exceptions. I was out with a guy one time and he said, “I can’t pay for you and
Wes. I don’t have the money.” I didn’t mind at all! If anyone understands a
budget, I certainly do. Then, one hour later, we ran a few errands together and
he bought quite a bit of dollars worth of oil for his dirt bike. It was over
three times the amount our meal was. There is a difference between having a
hard time financially and just not wanting to pay for her and her kid. Decide
beforehand if she is worth it. Once you’ve decided she is worth taking to
dinner, please pay for it. She might offer to pay, (I do) but hear me…DECLINE
and INSIST. I don’t care if she makes quadruple the amount of money as you. Pay
for the dang dinner. She'll truly appreciate it.
5.
DON’T press her to meet her kid/kids. Let her
decide when the time is right. Some moms don’t want to introduce their kids to
their significant others for a very long time. Give her space. Enjoy getting to
know her for the time being. She’ll be grateful for your patience.
6.
DO be open and kind if she brings her kid/kids
on your date. Every mom is different. Some moms bring their kids on every date
so that the man will know what real life is like. If this is the case, then enjoy
her and her tribe. It’s completely okay if you decide that this isn’t for you,
but for the date’s sake, have as much fun as you can. She’ll love
your compassion.
7.
DON’T say, “I’ve never dated a single mom
before. In the past, I’ve been closed off to the idea, so I’m trying to be more
open about it.” I had a conversation with a man who said this to me and I
immediately translated that to, “I never wanted a woman with kids, but now that
I’m older there’s no one left, so I’m having to date moms and I hate it.” She
personally won’t like hearing it (I wanted to punch the guy in the throat), but she will also feel really defensive for her small
cubs. You don’t want to finish your meal with a sharp-clawed grizzly.
8.
DO say, “You
are a great mom. I admire all that you do for your kids.” Right now, she is
doing this on her own and even though she may have found her groove and is
doing pretty alright in life, compliments on her motherhood are not only
welcome, they will be treasured by her for eons of time. You can never go wrong
by speaking of her motherhood kindly. You’ll see her face light up and beam as
if she has just been given the Congressional Medal of Honor. If you’re willing,
compliment her motherhood as much as you can. It will give her pounds and
pounds of refreshment.
9.
DO walk her to the door at the end of the date. Do
not be the guy who offers “the awkward walk back”. No girl, I repeat, NO GIRL wants her date to
watch from the car as she walks to the door, especially on a first date. So many unsettling thoughts will race through her mind in the 6 seconds it
takes her to get to the front door knob. Where’s that dude looking right now? Is he
driving off already? Is he watching me? What if I fall down? I'm so ready to get these heels off. Why is he still in the driveway? Do I
turn around? I can't wait to wash my face. If I do turn around, do I wave or smile or…? UGH. The whole thing is
eerie and awkward, and flustering and awkward and worrisome and awkward and
also the complete opposite of chivalrous. For all that is noble, just walk her to the door.
Here's to first dates!
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