Lauren Osborne Blaschke writes about life, her kids, her husband, and her love for the Lord. She hates coffee, but loves sweet tea. Most days she would rather be outside than in. For eight years, she was a single mom to Wes ("the mess"). In 2018, she married Byron, whom she lovingly refers to as "B" in her writing and now has two fantastic additional kids, Ethan and Layla. Her three kids and husband keep her busy and she loves it.
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What is a sex shoe anyway?
Wes told my mom the
other day that the garage was a “wrecking mess”. I’m not even sure what he meant to say, but that was obviously not it. It did take me back to
several of my childhood (or maybe also adulthood) misheard lyrics and phrases.
As a kid, I remember hearing a fun little ditty in my
dad’s truck and I would mainly sing it out because of its catchy tune. It went
like this, “Secret Asian man, secret Asian man!” After all, it makes complete
sense people. Lots of Asian men are secret spies. Do you know Jackie
Chan? Jet Li?Bruce Lee? C’mon, we all know them. Do we not see the massive connection here? This song is talking about a spy from Asia. Yes,
of course it is. I felt rather disgruntled when I found that Johnny Rivers
had originally written it, “Secret agent man, secret agent man”. Way to let a
10 year old down man! I’ll be honest, having to accept my version as erroneous, the song at best, has lost
a bit of its initial value in my heart.
The next song I remember singing was, “Should’ve Been a
Cowboy” by Toby Keith. The song says,
Should've been a Cowboy
I should've learned to rope and ride
Wearing my sex shoe, riding my pony on a cattle drive
Stealing the young girl's hearts...
I never really knew what a sex shoe was, but I was pretty sure it
was inappropriate. I just figured Mr. Keith was one of those improper and uncensored types of singers. I mean music was going downhill in the 90's. After all, the radio saw nothing wrong with the singing of dirty, sensual shoes.
You might wonder why I didn't ask my parents to clarify. Really? Are you serious? Because who wants to ask their
parents about sex shoes? Or worse yet, who wants to find out if their parents actually
have their own personal set of sex shoes? NOT. ME. NO, GRACIAS! Positively unsuitable. Both then and still now. Keep your sex shoes to YOURSELF mom and dad. Thank heavens I just kept singing it wrong for
a decade so as to avoid an unnecessary and vastly uncomfortable situation.
I did learn later that the actual lyrics read, “Wearing my
six-shooter riding by pony on a cattle drive”. Well, there you go. A
six-shooter. A gun. Yep.
I also remember hearing my dad use the phrase, “every fiber
of my being.” For years, I thought he was saying, “With every fiber of my
bean.” The thing is, beans DO have fiber. In fact, they have a lot of fiber. Why hasn’t
anyone else figured this out? It is very easy to infer this if you understand nutrition. With everyone trying to be
healthy these days and eat organic foods and only buy free range everything, I
knew that this phrase had to be accurate. I will not announce an age
at which I learned the correct words of this phrase.
Then recently the movie, Frozen, came out. I downloaded a
few songs for Wes to listen to in the car and one was “Fixer Upper”. Such a
cute song! I love the beat of the drums in this one. While thumping the steering wheel to the beat
I would sing, “Get Beyoncé out of the way and the whole thing will be fixed!” Because,
yeah, Beyoncé is this really big deal right now so the song must be making a
reference to her in their music. Right? Shows and songs do that now, you know.
It wasn’t until later, that I realized it was saying, “Get the fiancé out of
the way, and the whole thing will be fixed.” Ohhhhh, I get it. She is engaged
to someone else and it’s talking about getting rid of him. Well. Whatever.
Beyonce, fiancé, shmiance. It all sounds the same when you’re singing it.
And apparently this particular gene has been passed down to
my kid. You learned about what in church? Ferris wheels? Got it.
As a child, each evening my dad would come into my room, prop
up next to my bed to talk with me for a few minutes before telling me
goodnight. The conversations would vary, but the ending was always the same. Before getting up he would say, “If I lined up
all the little girls in the whole wide world, I would pick you to be my
daughter.” I loved hearing that as a little girl, so I would smile, give him a
big hug and kiss and drift off to sleep. Every night was consistent. I never
tired of hearing those words. As I grew older and no longer needed my parents
to tuck me in, that sweet phrase would still come out every now and then. Even
if I acted too cool to hear it, inside it affected me.
I finished college at Texas ATM University and received my
first job teaching Kindergarten in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. I moved in to my
own apartment and began to get acquainted with my new city and new home. Though no one was tucking me in at bedtime,
with out fail I received flowers twice a year…
Me: Why is your finger so high up in your nose? Wes: I put a bb in there. Me: Wait. What? What do you mean you put a bb in there? Wes: (Nonchalantly) I shoved a bb up my nose. Me: Why did you do that? Wes: (blank stare, slight shrug) Me: Oh em gee. I need you to get it out. Right now. Wes: I can’t get it out. I've been trying. It’s waaaaay up in there, mom. Me: Get in the car. Wes: Where are we going? Me: To the doctor, of course. Wes: Alright. (totally calm, as if this is totally normal)
To the woman in New York on the fence about abortion,
The conservatives in the nation are in an uproar about the
decision your state made this week. They have decided to give you the option to
“choose” to abort your child for yet a longer percent of your term.
This isn’t new.
In the Old Testament, women were sacrificing their babies by
throwing them into rivers in order to appease the gods.
Today, women sacrifice their babies in honor of women’s
It was happening thousands of years ago and it is still
happening today. It won’t be rendered right until the Lord comes back.
So here is what I’d like to tell you today. For this moment, don’t
worry about the New York legislation or about the rights you have to choose
from. I just want to sit with you right now in your living room as the tiny baby forms
I know exactly how you feel today.
As a single, 27-year-old young professional, I read the same
home pregnancy test you probably recently took.
I too, fe…